What we feel vs what we know

 

If there’s one thing guaranteed to get me thinking, it’s a Jamie Tworkowski TWLOHA blog. After reading lots more this year than normal about Thanksgiving, his blog left me the most ‘thankful’.

As nothing creative is original, here is my take on what I feel vs what I know. If you read it perhaps you could share a feel vs know of your own…

 

I feel scared of being alone.

I feel like everyone else is getting married, buying houses and having children…while I think about break-ups and affording my rent. I feel like I should be doing those other things instead.

I feel like I might not have enough to offer. I feel scared one person might not be enough for another.

I feel like failure follows me.

I feel sad all too often and forget to feel happy.

I feel I could be better...but I don’t know how.

I feel too much and it all piles up on my heart like a lead weight.

 

But what is true?

What do I know?

 

I know that a wonderful man, and his amazing children, have welcomed me into their life and seem keen for me to stay there. I’m more grateful than they could imagine.

I know that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

I know that I impact the lives of young people everyday by showing them I care and I want them to succeed. I know that for one or two of them, I’ll make a positive difference, and that responsibility humbles me.

I know that I am blessed with the most supportive, loving parents anybody could hope for. Plus a brother who I know will turn my worst confessions into hugs and a pint.

I have a group of loyal friends that regularly forgive my lack of attentiveness.

I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, a job I enjoy at least 80% of the time.

I know that people are magic. We can bend and bend but we snap back into shape eventually.

I am healthy and (relatively!) young. A lot of people would be more than happy with my life.

 

“So do not despair.
For there is more than what we feel.
There are things missing in every single room.
But there is even more not missing.

So don't be blinded by the ghosts.
Don't let them glow brighter than your friends.
Don't let them glow brighter than your family.

Be present.
Fight to be present.
Don't live only in your head.
It's lonely and it's dangerous.

Put your phone down for a few hours every day.

Talk to people. Look someone in the eyes and be honest and invite them to do the same.

Read a good book and watch a great film and put a song on repeat and remember who you are. Keep dreaming all your dreams. And perhaps, as well, some new ones.

Go to counselling if you need to go to counselling.
Take your own advice.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of the people that you love.
Tell them that you love them.

There is much to be thankful for.” Jamie Tworkowski

 

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends. Happy Thanksgiving to my non-American friends.

Happy Thursday xxx

A catalogue of disasters…

 

It’s easy to blame you. All of you.

I mean it’s really easy.

Nobody made you do it.

Whatever it was that possessed you to play at being single.

You told me you were single. That makes you and idiot. That makes me a fool. Shame on you.

You told her you were single. That makes you an idiot. That makes her a fool. Shame on you.

You told yourself you were just friends.

Whichever way you look at it you’re an idiot.

You’re the reason I’m so self-destructive. So quick to find the fault, pick at the threads, turn a snag into a gaping wound. Why I can’t just take things at face value. Why I will instinctively believe the worst over and over again.

Why when a phone beeps my heart stops. When he says her name I feel sick. Why when I look at that photo my heart stops.

I’m an insecure mess and I really don’t know if that’ll ever change. And that cripples me.

I’m well aware that everyone has a past. And that most people are capable of change. I know that some people are more than capable of keeping their promises. I know that. I definitely do know that…In my head.

Someone should tell my heart.

And so I return,
To what I feared,
You live life alone,
With occasional compliments,
Beware that with every heart of gold,
It retains it's currency,
So if you believe,
Loves cost is free,
Then you'd call me a fool,
To call it robbery,
But I only know,
That I once was whole,
And now there's,
Half of me.

N.B – I know that certain people will read certain things into this. Don’t. It doesn’t mean that – it’s hypothetical and I’m talking in general terms. However, if those certain people reading this are the people who f**ked my heart up and made it all the more difficult for the next person, thanks for that.

If you’re scared…you’re not alone

 

I have a series of increasingly bonkers phobias (phobi-ai? phobee?….I’ll go phobias).

My fears start off boarder-line normal with clowns. I hate clowns, pictures of clowns, toy clowns. I also don’t really like puppets or porcelain dolls. I think the three are connected somewhere. I once went to visit a lady of a ‘certain age’ who had cases filled with such items. To say I was freaked out is putting it lightly.

I’m also genuinely afraid of people in full costume (anything where they have their head completely covered). I have been known to interrupt live concerts, walk a mile in the opposite direction and scream blue murder when confronted by people collecting for charity dressed as Pudsey bear.

I have a real problem with that bit in a restaurant where the waiter comes up to you with a giant pepper grinder – that’s probably less a phobia and more of a peeve but i do find it quite scary.

N.B I started writing this blog entry a couple of days ago and then stopped here because I got worried about exposing myself as some kind of crazy person…today I thought sod it, you already know, and I finished writing it.

What I’m really scared of is far less tangible but so much more threatening. It’s scary because it’s a very real threat to my happiness, and to those around me.

I’m scared of loss. I’m scared of the loss of a friend when you fall out. I’m scared of the loss of respect when I disappoint someone. I’m scared of the loss of another piece of my heart when a relationship ends. I’m scared of the loss of my dignity when I get old and helpless. I’m scared of the loss of a loved one through bereavement. I very recently realised that I’m terrified of loosing my mind. I’m terrified that getting another year older means the loss of opportunities that I always figured I’d have time for…this one is probably the most frightening of all.

I’d love to be someone who just lives day to day and says “I’m happy right now, what more could I want?”.

I just can’t do it.

But I figure that’s ok. As long as I’m always no more than a couple of miles away from someone who will give me a hug, pop me back on the feet and remind me that I’m fine. And if not, a little bird tells me to sort my self out.

Happy Birthday to me…

 

I’m not very good at Birthdays.

A day of being important and being given gifts is (honestly) not my cup of tea anyway. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

And I’m not very good at party games…ask my friends!

But there’s more to it then that.

Every year, like clockwork, I see my birthday approaching and I get majorly reflective…and usually in a very dark way. It makes me think about the time that I’ve wasted since the last birthday. It makes me think about the stumbles and trips I’ve had along the way. It makes me think about all the stuff I haven’t done and maybe I wont get to do. It’s the feeling of time slipping away. Trickling through your fingers. It makes me think about travel, babies, houses, hobbies, diets, haircuts, friends, family, careers…you know the kind of thing, yes? I also like to listen to melancholy songs like Switchfoot’s ‘Let That Be Enough’.

The problem is, if I’m already in that mildly depressed mood, I forget to stop and remember that birthdays have good bits too (and not just the cake!).

On Saturday at 6.30pm I stood in my kitchen with my Dad and listened to the noise coming from my living room. It was the sound of 11 people, many of whom had not met previously, chatting and laughing and being pretty damn lovely.

At about 8.00pm that same day, I sat on the arm of my brothers favourite chair and surveyed a suitably rowdy game of band hero unfolding before me. There was dodgy singing, questionable guitar playing and some interesting drumming….and it was beautiful.

By bedtime I was down to 4 guests, all of whom I can genuinely say I adore. One is a new friend who I feel so lucky to have met – we like the same music and comedy, we both adore radio, he lets me talk his ear off and he only lives round the corner…win! One is an old friend who I met on my first day at university – we’ve shared all kinds of crazy experiences, we’re bad at seeing each other as often as we should but I don’t love any other girl even half as much. One is my best friend. Even when I am at my absolute worst he always takes me exactly as I am. I’ve never had such a loyal friend. I’m very lucky. The last one came to my rescue. He’s the nearest I’ve ever seen to a superhero. He makes me think in song lyrics…don't let go of my hand now darkness has gone.

Then we get to Sunday. A train journey to London later and I find myself in a champagne bar. Then I’m treated to dinner and a gig where I get to play backstage…I basically get spoilt rotten and do you know what? It didn’t kill me. In fact I LOVED it. This friend has been in my life for years…but we only see each other once or twice a year so we like to have an amazing time. He’s so generous and he makes me laugh like nobody else can.

Monday I’m home again. I’ve had my tea cooked, there is some kind of chocolate cake being rustled up and I’m sat with my feet up watching catch up telly.

It’s not my birthday till tomorrow and I couldn’t care less if I didn’t get a single card and ended up spending the day doing something rubbish…because I have already had the ultimate birthday. No present could top the incredibly wonderful masses of time I’ve been spending with the people that I love best.

 

In honour of this slight change of tune here are the lyrics to another maudlin birthday song…but this one makes me laugh!

What a special day
You are turning ten today
We've got balloons and party pies
And lots of pretty things
Look at all your friends
And the presents that they send
Your whole family is here
So everybody sing

Here comes the birthday cake
But before you make a wish
There's something your Aunty Gerry wants to say:

From this moment, everything's downhill
Double figures become a living hell
Before too long you will wake up to find you're dead
So if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead

'Cos your body at fourteen
Is so much worse than Halloween
It changes shape and starts to leak
And makes you do mad things
Your twenties, they're okay
But from your thirties, you'll decay
Your joints and back and brains will go
Along with all your dreams

And as you reflect back on today
That kitten-shaped ice-cream cake
Will represent the hopeless and betray

'Cos from this moment, everything is fucked
The grown-up world and all the people in it suck
Your gran and grandpa left the Earth on the blink
And so to save you wasting money on a shrink
Choose an addiction now and retire to your bed
'Cos if I were you
Oh, if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday... to you

Heavy and Light

 

“Our hearts are heavy and light. We laugh, we scream, we sing. Our hearts are heavy and light.”

Today I cried. I don’t mean a little sorry for myself cry, or a banged my toe on the door cry.
I cried like I’ve been waiting to cry for months.
I cried because my head hurt and my heart hurt and because sometimes if you don’t cry you will scream. If you don’t scream you’ll explode.
I cried because I’d run out of other things to do.
I cried because something has finished and something has started and I don’t know how to feel about it all.

Relationships are a living, breathing entity. That’s why when a good one comes into your life you feel renewed and excited and energetic. When a bad one happens you feel like you’ve been tangled up in weeds, or like you’re drowning. Like everything that’s alive, a relationship can die. When this happens you go into mourning, look back on that time and reflect.

To JP, KH, PM, JH and all my other friends dealing with relationships in all their forms: good, bad, newborn and dying. Attending weddings and funerals. Here’s to you…

Here’s to the broken-hearted. To the girl who has been dumped, to the boy who feels used, to the couple that can’t be together, to the man who feels guilty, to the woman who cries.

Here’s to the lonely. To the moments when the room is full but you’re still on your own, when you’ve been looking for something and can’t find it, to the boy who teases her because he doesn’t know how to tell her he likes her.

Here’s to the depressed. To the colleague that cries when you ask if she’s ok, to the friend that keeps it all inside, to sitting at home on the sofa and eating all the snacks in the house.

Here’s to the ones who are trying their best.

Here’s to the superheroes.

Here’s to getting up in the morning, to stepping out of the door, to making that call, to taking her hand.

Here’s to fighting the good fight every day.

Here’s to the music makers and the storytellers.

Here’s to hope.

Here’s to new beginnings.

Here’s to holding your chin up high.

 

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Why I’m a *little* bit (A LOT) in love with Mr Rochester.

 

I thirst for romance, I clearly belong in a time of lace handkerchiefs, carriage rides and real gentlemen. Damn you Jane Eyre!

“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you – especially when you are near me…it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame.”

“My love has sworn, with sealing kiss,
With me to live – to die;
I have at last my nameless bliss.
As I love – loved am I!”

“Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own. Your mind is my treasure.”

“…be my comforter, my rescuer? My deep love, my wild woe, my frantic prayer…?”

#welcometomidnight (an open letter)

 

You don’t know me, but I feel like I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. Watching the clock, tearing the pages from the calendar, counting the days till you arrived.

As the minutes ticked past, as I waited impatiently for the hour of your arrival, I decided to write you this letter. I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, how glad I am of this second chance, this fresh start.

I want to show you how much you mean to me, so here is my promise to you…

I promise to say yes more.

I promise to say no more.

I promise to laugh at the hard times.

I promise to cry if I need to.

I promise not to dwell on the past.

I promise not to panic about the future.

I promise to cherish every minute with you.

I promise to spend the odd Sunday afternoon just frittering our time away.

I promise to sing at the top of my lungs.

I promise to be peaceful and quiet and enjoy your company.

I promise to dance like a crazy person.

I promise to be still and strong when I need to.

I promise to live loudly.

I promise to love boldly.

So here we are, come on 2012, the stranger I’ve been waiting for. I’m ready for you, I’m here. I’m waiting. Take a breath, turn the page, let’s go…

 

Love from Me xx

 

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For some really lovely reflections about what the moment when the clock strikes twelve means look up #welcometomidnight

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Something really special for you to enjoy – this is all we can ask for 2012. Happy New Year, may this year be better than the last one.

http://youtu.be/IpkkPLEa-2Q