If you’re scared…you’re not alone

 

I have a series of increasingly bonkers phobias (phobi-ai? phobee?….I’ll go phobias).

My fears start off boarder-line normal with clowns. I hate clowns, pictures of clowns, toy clowns. I also don’t really like puppets or porcelain dolls. I think the three are connected somewhere. I once went to visit a lady of a ‘certain age’ who had cases filled with such items. To say I was freaked out is putting it lightly.

I’m also genuinely afraid of people in full costume (anything where they have their head completely covered). I have been known to interrupt live concerts, walk a mile in the opposite direction and scream blue murder when confronted by people collecting for charity dressed as Pudsey bear.

I have a real problem with that bit in a restaurant where the waiter comes up to you with a giant pepper grinder – that’s probably less a phobia and more of a peeve but i do find it quite scary.

N.B I started writing this blog entry a couple of days ago and then stopped here because I got worried about exposing myself as some kind of crazy person…today I thought sod it, you already know, and I finished writing it.

What I’m really scared of is far less tangible but so much more threatening. It’s scary because it’s a very real threat to my happiness, and to those around me.

I’m scared of loss. I’m scared of the loss of a friend when you fall out. I’m scared of the loss of respect when I disappoint someone. I’m scared of the loss of another piece of my heart when a relationship ends. I’m scared of the loss of my dignity when I get old and helpless. I’m scared of the loss of a loved one through bereavement. I very recently realised that I’m terrified of loosing my mind. I’m terrified that getting another year older means the loss of opportunities that I always figured I’d have time for…this one is probably the most frightening of all.

I’d love to be someone who just lives day to day and says “I’m happy right now, what more could I want?”.

I just can’t do it.

But I figure that’s ok. As long as I’m always no more than a couple of miles away from someone who will give me a hug, pop me back on the feet and remind me that I’m fine. And if not, a little bird tells me to sort my self out.

Happy Birthday to me…

 

I’m not very good at Birthdays.

A day of being important and being given gifts is (honestly) not my cup of tea anyway. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

And I’m not very good at party games…ask my friends!

But there’s more to it then that.

Every year, like clockwork, I see my birthday approaching and I get majorly reflective…and usually in a very dark way. It makes me think about the time that I’ve wasted since the last birthday. It makes me think about the stumbles and trips I’ve had along the way. It makes me think about all the stuff I haven’t done and maybe I wont get to do. It’s the feeling of time slipping away. Trickling through your fingers. It makes me think about travel, babies, houses, hobbies, diets, haircuts, friends, family, careers…you know the kind of thing, yes? I also like to listen to melancholy songs like Switchfoot’s ‘Let That Be Enough’.

The problem is, if I’m already in that mildly depressed mood, I forget to stop and remember that birthdays have good bits too (and not just the cake!).

On Saturday at 6.30pm I stood in my kitchen with my Dad and listened to the noise coming from my living room. It was the sound of 11 people, many of whom had not met previously, chatting and laughing and being pretty damn lovely.

At about 8.00pm that same day, I sat on the arm of my brothers favourite chair and surveyed a suitably rowdy game of band hero unfolding before me. There was dodgy singing, questionable guitar playing and some interesting drumming….and it was beautiful.

By bedtime I was down to 4 guests, all of whom I can genuinely say I adore. One is a new friend who I feel so lucky to have met – we like the same music and comedy, we both adore radio, he lets me talk his ear off and he only lives round the corner…win! One is an old friend who I met on my first day at university – we’ve shared all kinds of crazy experiences, we’re bad at seeing each other as often as we should but I don’t love any other girl even half as much. One is my best friend. Even when I am at my absolute worst he always takes me exactly as I am. I’ve never had such a loyal friend. I’m very lucky. The last one came to my rescue. He’s the nearest I’ve ever seen to a superhero. He makes me think in song lyrics…don't let go of my hand now darkness has gone.

Then we get to Sunday. A train journey to London later and I find myself in a champagne bar. Then I’m treated to dinner and a gig where I get to play backstage…I basically get spoilt rotten and do you know what? It didn’t kill me. In fact I LOVED it. This friend has been in my life for years…but we only see each other once or twice a year so we like to have an amazing time. He’s so generous and he makes me laugh like nobody else can.

Monday I’m home again. I’ve had my tea cooked, there is some kind of chocolate cake being rustled up and I’m sat with my feet up watching catch up telly.

It’s not my birthday till tomorrow and I couldn’t care less if I didn’t get a single card and ended up spending the day doing something rubbish…because I have already had the ultimate birthday. No present could top the incredibly wonderful masses of time I’ve been spending with the people that I love best.

 

In honour of this slight change of tune here are the lyrics to another maudlin birthday song…but this one makes me laugh!

What a special day
You are turning ten today
We've got balloons and party pies
And lots of pretty things
Look at all your friends
And the presents that they send
Your whole family is here
So everybody sing

Here comes the birthday cake
But before you make a wish
There's something your Aunty Gerry wants to say:

From this moment, everything's downhill
Double figures become a living hell
Before too long you will wake up to find you're dead
So if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead

'Cos your body at fourteen
Is so much worse than Halloween
It changes shape and starts to leak
And makes you do mad things
Your twenties, they're okay
But from your thirties, you'll decay
Your joints and back and brains will go
Along with all your dreams

And as you reflect back on today
That kitten-shaped ice-cream cake
Will represent the hopeless and betray

'Cos from this moment, everything is fucked
The grown-up world and all the people in it suck
Your gran and grandpa left the Earth on the blink
And so to save you wasting money on a shrink
Choose an addiction now and retire to your bed
'Cos if I were you
Oh, if I were you, I'd quit while I'm ahead
I'd quit while I'm ahead
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday... to you